CW: Sexual violence, victim blaming


I was 17. It was a party. It was my boy ex friend. (I thought.)


A “hat” party – putting on extra layers
maybe in the hope of hiding, so I later believed.
I’ve hidden. I don’t want to hide, but I had to.


“you were drunk too”

“you’ve slept with him before”

“you led him on”

“you were ASKING. FOR. IT.”

 Asking for it? Was I “ASKING” when I screamed at him to stop? WHen I hit him as much as I could to back off? When I was so empty, of energy, of my body,

when I was drained




asking for it?


I told my friend. Not support, not pity, but disbelief flashed up on her face in that “you-silly-slut-it’s-not-his-fault-it’s-yours-I-blame-you” way.

I left it — ignored it — pushed it away.
one year. two years. three.

I get the courage. Where from, I don’t know.

A message.

(Hastily deleted.)

I was asking for it – an apology.

He thought it wasn’t his to give.
“It could ruin my career”
he said

“I can’t believe I damaged you”
he said

“after all this time”
he said

he said. he said. he said. What did I say? What right did I have? Was I in the wrong?

I still feel guilty.

It happens here.

Photo credit: Jilbert Ebrahimi via Unsplash


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