CW: Sexual violence, victim blaming
I was 17. It was a party. It was my
boy ex friend. (I thought.)
A “hat” party – putting on extra layers
maybe in the hope of hiding, so I later believed.
I’ve hidden. I don’t want to hide, but I had to.
“you were drunk too”
“you’ve slept with him before”
“you led him on”
“you were ASKING. FOR. IT.”
Asking for it? Was I “ASKING” when I screamed at him to stop? WHen I hit him as much as I could to back off? When I was so empty, of energy, of my body,
when I was drained
asking for it?
I told my friend. Not support, not pity, but disbelief flashed up on her face in that “you-silly-slut-it’s-not-his-fault-it’s-yours-I-blame-you” way.
I left it — ignored it — pushed it away.
one year. two years. three.
I get the courage. Where from, I don’t know.
I was asking for it – an apology.
He thought it wasn’t his to give.
“It could ruin my career”
“I can’t believe I damaged you”
“after all this time”
he said. he said. he said. What did I say? What right did I have? Was I in the wrong?
I still feel guilty.
It happens here.
Photo credit: Jilbert Ebrahimi via Unsplash